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Warning: These jokes have been supplied by local President, Dilwyn Phillips. The management and staff of the La Herrada Community website may not be held responsible for injuries caused to readers due to falling about laughing, splitting sides, bursting or wetting themselves. Thank you.

A seven-year-old attending the Junior session for the first time put his shoes on by himself. The coach noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. He said, "Tony, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at him with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Sir. I know they're my feet."

Dai came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, Dai staggered out.
"Well," said Ianto, "I never saw anything as daft as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the barman said. "Dai's wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

Taff is sitting in a bar and notices two very sexy ladies in the corner discussing the contents of a book. He tells the bartender to send them a drink on him. They just push it off to one side. He tries again, sending them another drink. They both look his way and push the drinks away again. He gets up and walks over to them. When he gets to the table they look up and say thanks for the drinks, but we don't really want to be disturbed. We do apologise for not saying something but this is a serious discussion about this book. They tell him it is a book about sexual performances of different races. "My friend Marged agrees with the section that the American Red Indians have the longest appendages but I feel that the part which states that Welshmen are the best lovers and are able to love all night long is truer. By the way who are you?"
He replies "Tonto Jones."

John is in Mary's apartment in a block of flats and suddenly there's a noise outside. "Quick" she said, "jump out of the window, my husbands coming home"
"Do you think I'm daft?" said John "this is the thirteenth floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious said Mary "

Overheard in the Changing Rooms, after the match.
"Hey Dave. How long have you been wearing black frilly knickers ?"
"Since my wife found them in the back of my car !"

Two fellows were sitting in a bar in Torrevieja in a rather intoxicated state, but still able to discuss any situation (intelligently of course). Conversation came around to where they had spent their holidays, and Dave said he'd spent his in Birmingham. That's great Michael said, the only two things to come out of Birmingham are whores and Soccer Players. Dave angrily states his wife is from Birmingham. His drinking buddy Michael says "Is that so... and what position does she play?"

The English Football Association were considering replacing its' president with Steve Davies. Explaining this unusual move, the press release stated "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

All jokes taken from Dilwyn's books (Welsh Jokes, More Welsh Jokes, Celtic Jokes, etc), and are all reproduced with the authors' permission).

More goodies from Dilwyn for your delectation!

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked.

And even more goodies from Dilwyn! (March 2008)

During their silver anniversary, Megan reminded Ianto: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" Ianto replied: "Yes, darling, that was the happiest hour of my life."

A business man from Cardiff was away on a business trip in London and telephoned his wife one morning. The maid answered the phone, and not being able to tell lies told the man that his wife was in bed with the milkman. He became upset and angry and promised the maid the earth if she would help him get his revenge by shooting the pair. After a lot of persuading, she agreed to get a shotgun from the gun cabinet, put two cartridges in the barrels and shoot his wife and the milkman, whilst he waited on the phone.
After a while the man hears a bang, followed by another, followed by two splashes.
When the maid returns to the phone, he asks her what happened, and she replied that she shot them both and threw the bodies into the swimming pool.
"Swimming Pool" he replied, "what swimming p-----, sorry wrong number!"

Ifor and Megan get married, and Ifor asks Megan if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. Megan agrees. After 25 years of marriage, she notices that the drawer has been left open. She takes a quick look inside and sees 3 golf balls and about a £1,000 cash.
She confronts Ifor and asks for an explanation. He explains; "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She calculated that 3 times in 25 years wasn't all that bad, as there had been very happy times, so she asked "But what about the £1,000 cash?" Ifor answered "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them."

Mary and Twm were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. Mary said to Twm, "Help yourself." Twm said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, Mary said, "Really now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" Twm replied, "What are you complaining for; you've got what you wanted haven't you?"

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Father Michael walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Michael walked up to O'Riley and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Riley said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Riley said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

An Catholic priest is driving down to Dublin and gets stopped for speeding by the Garda. The officer smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The officer says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "B' Jesus! Another miracle!"

A priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? "
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion. "Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "In your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But..." "The priest replied "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." "There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Dai, Ianto and Evan were talking about death and dying. When you're in the casket and your mates and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them
say about you?
Dai says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
Ianto says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
Evan says, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

In chapel one Sunday morning, the preacher noticed Tomi bach was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside Tomi, and said quietly, "Good morning, Tomi bach, and how are you today?" "Oh, good morning, Mr Jones," replied Tomi, still focused on the plaque. "can you tell me what this is?". "Well, Tomi, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the services." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the morning or the evening?"

Murphy got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Patrick had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Murphy, hit the ball, drag Murphy."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning at Borth and Ynyslas. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing up the eighteenth hole. Indeed, the ball hit Ianto, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to Ianto and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," replied Ianto breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and Ianto finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which Ianto replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

A Irishman and a Scotsman were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of Scotland we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until Spring," the Scotsman said. "Why, in Ireland we can even play in the Winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said theIrishman. "Well, what do you do; paint your balls yellow?" asked the Scotsman. "No", said the Irishman "we just put on an extra sweater or two."

Four caddies were caddying for a golfer around Llanrhystud Golf Course
His friends asked him why he had so many caddies.
"It was my wife's idea" he replied, "she thinks I should be spending more time with the kids."

Angus goes to the Doctor's and says "Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my behind."
"Have you indeed?" says the Doctor, "how's that?"
"Oh, now don't you bloody start." says Angus.

Two cows were talking in the field one day.
First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow Disease that's going around?"
Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"